I always think about my past, and what my past brought me that woud  trap me up inside, surround and remind me of fear, disappointments, and hopelessness.  Once it would help me with struggles so many things I done.  Like the song said to me, “There’s always tomorrow..,” but the past was monopolizing my present today. So what do I do with all that baggage inside of me?  How did I sort it all out?  I know that my troubles and lack of resolution with my past affects important relationships.

The people who I have deep in my heart were my parents, Sandra and John Pacheco.  They were married July 1, 1969, and my mother had a miscarriage before me.  I think of that as a depressing feeling because I wanted a big brother by my side.  But then, late in the 1969 my Mother announced she was expecting excitement filled the air.  Sandra was a bit nervous throughout her pregnancy but my Mom had reassured her she would be fine. On June 17, 1970, I am born a beautiful baby boy with two perfect 5 fingers in each arm, 5 toys & so healthy.

On September 7, 1974 Tessie of the Ortiz family, married Nathan Ramos and I took apart of that wedding as the ring-bearer.  Shortly after the wedding, my family and friends were told that I would have to have a surgery at the time I was about 4 years old when seizures came to me. I had cancer through my left side of my brain.  My parents just want to be there for me as I would be ill in the hospital and every day my family and friends would be there immediately after work.  They would stay and many days would be spending at the hospital as well as at the house when I would come home.  Just a baby boy I was as I would be unwell and my acquaintances just want to be there for me as well.  Many a surgeries followed as well as many scary moments.  Many things have happened to me physical and mental, but God would continue to be with me.

I would just be the kind of child who expressed amusement from any persons.  I didn’t know that the cancer can take a life.  But, a self-centered boy, with the family and friends take it in because that boy doesn’t know what happens at all.  The people gave me tons of gifts, because that is all that they could do… and just pray.  A stubborn child that the family & friends would spoil and they would like it as I could see the smiling grin on their faces.  But, just go into skeletons going to my closet, but at that age I couldn’t see a self-centered boy.  With a world facing up to me, I wouldn’t try anything, because I didn’t want to rid myself and to love and die!!!

Back then when the doctors went for the surgery, they would tell my parents that I would be a human vegetable at the age of 11.  To me at that age, it didn’t bother me one bit though.   It would have to become a second surgery, and they be all vanished, and the doctors could not believe it!!!  It was done by my God!!!

At that time, my parents didn’t see each other in the way that a man and a woman love each other. Yes, they were in love at first, but my Mother had an affair so that ended it strongly.  Thinking to myself, what did I do wrong with this sweet adorable couple???  So, upset and angry, I would cry my eyes out to notice what went mistaken.  They got a divorced at the date of 1975.  That time to concern to me where my parents where head to the last part of love.    I could see my Father weekend after weekend though, but I would want him at my house every single day with my Mother.    I really did mind it myself, because they would be so close, and now they’re separated.  

My Father would be a social man… John Pacheco Junior.  He would care about all the family and friends that are in his life and this world.  He’s a handsome charming man who would keep a high balance of confidence.  Working hard for his functioning in everything that he does by his job and his family with doing everything he could. He and I appropriately thought and acted this way… and we do love each other deeply.

My Father would move to Alameda, and he would meet a young lady named, Margie Daehnke... they married.  She would be a wonderful lady as she would made chocolate cookies with me, and have a fun time endlessly when my Father’s at work.  Then I remember that Dad would get home from work, and I’d put on my swimming suit with my little “Tweety Bird” that would be attach onto it, and he would have on his cut-offs Levi’s, then he splash the water hose on me!!!  Margie would love me as I always love her from the start.  She wants to take custody of me with my Dad on how she cared for me.  I remember that all the time when I go over to their house.  

In Salinas, CA, we had to move for a bigger house.  It was a two-story house with a big neighborhood.  I had a bedroom with a huge painting of a cartoon boy board-skating on the side wall.  I knew that this is my room that I had to pick out, and my Father knew it for me also.  We had get-togethers and Barbeques at the house, and I loved it.  Each time the family and friends came, I would greet them by my Fathers side.   But, I have one thing that’s on my mind for life is when a male family member came up to my room.  He closed the door, and told me to sit down on the bed.  He did it also, and told me to take my clothes off.  I was scared, but I had to do that because he was older then me.  I know for a fact that I had an idea that he molested me.  So, wrong, but I still love him even though he’s passed away, but I still have it in my mind the person I knew… I loved… and I respected from the heart just totally blown away.

            I will adore my Mother entirely as the days go by!!!  Sandra Emily Torres Pacheco would be her full name, and I love every bit of it!!!  A motherly Christian woman with emotional and spiritual lifestyles and so would I.  I would be the only thing she needs back then when she and my father would have the divorce.  She would have such wonderful friends and family, and her best friend would be Carol Santiago who is our cousin.  Her and Carol would do everything together similar to shopping and also working with one another at Mannetti-Farrew where they supplied Fendi hand-bags. My Mother would be a wonderful woman that I couldn’t be unattached to.  I have my stuffed animal “Snoopy” in my left arm and holding me would be my Mother when we would go to bed or go out for dinner with my Auntie Alice Roman and her family as well. There was no breaking my Mother, Grandmother Katie  and I apart when my Mother was divorced to my Father.  We would go to the mall together and have lunch at any restaurant every weekend.  She picked me up clothes and things that a parent would do so, but with love.   

Beatron Way, Hayward CA would be in my mind along time ago where my Mother and I lived with my Grandparent Torres’, and also my Uncle Stephen. With Grandmother Katherine, would have a lifestyle with a very good Christianity and Godly person.  Even though she would be a old-fashion and tough woman in her own way as she would pray each and every day to the people she loves.  My Grandmother would be a very self-motivated, and she didn’t want to take anything from anyone, only the Lord, Jesus Christ way.  She would be sensitive to the heart though, but strong within the Lord which she shown me to do so. 

Which brought me to my Grandfather, Santos Torres… he was not worthy of God, but he loved Him.  He was a person of a Catholic element though.   He didn’t go to church at all, just sat on the chair in the garage to drink beer day by day.    Yes, he loved me as he did with his own, but when it came to beer… he couldn’t see us apart and he started this drunken addiction that led to anger.  No reason why he would get so annoyed.  So, every time he showed his anger to my Grandmother, he yelled which brings her to a roar at him.  I took this by crying my eyes out and screamed for my Mother.  My Uncle Stephen would blow-out the walls in addition that he would be mad.  But, my mother couldn’t take rage that she would lock us in her room to wait if it will calm down.  The alcohol which brought him to do such things was major, but when I seen him sober, he would take care of me and my family also.